Heaven & heart-strings

Today I turned twenty-five.

“It’s necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” [Alexandre Dumas; The Count of Monte Cristo]

I am living a life I never thought I’d see; a life I wasn’t even certain I wanted. But God. The only two words I think I’ll ever need. But God…what else is there to say? He is so faithful. & He is good. He is good, all the time. & they sound like cliches, but they saved a life. My life. & I’m truly lost for words.

My (failing) heart has never felt so full. So this is what hearts are for, I remind myself. For loving. Not breaking. & doctors will tell you it isn’t possible, but I was loved back to life. They’ll tell you it was medication or ECT, transfusions or that my neurotransmitters blah blah blah. But it was love that saved me. Love & the ceaseless prayers of the most incredible women I know. I don’t have words for this, either.

I really am the luckiest girl in the world. To my friends reading this: thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for believing in me, & for me. Thank you for having faith when I’d misplaced mine, for having hope when I had none. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for teaching me what hearts were made for. Thank you for petitioning heaven for my miracle. Thank you for sticking around even after the crisis is over. Thank you for literally loving me back to life.

Today I turned twenty-five.

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