Almosts & not yets

I promised myself I wouldn’t leave it so long again, but it’s been at least six months since I last posted; words, anyway. & it’s strange, because it’s not that I have nothing to say. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. I have everything to say. The problem lies with the how. Sometimes I don’t know where to start. Sometimes I’m scared of starting, because I don’t know where it will end. I used to be afraid of endings. I used to be afraid of beginnings. Heck, I used to be afraid of everything. But now? Now there’s not a lot that scares me. I have this sick, sad tendency towards comparisons that no-one should ever have to make. But you work with what you have, even when it breaks your heart. It’s the only way.

I still don’t know where to begin. I don’t know the order of things, or how to make them their right size. Mostly I wander my life at the moment all stuck in my head, or stumbling around the place trying not to collapse under the weight of my heart. Neither of those are bad things; just sayin’. Friends say I’m disappearing…I’m quieter, lonelier, more distant. & maybe they’re right, but it’s OK. I’m not unhappy, not always, anyway. I think it just takes time getting used to this. This living thing. Suddenly I’m worrying about the state of my bones or the fact my kidneys are getting worse & not better. I’ve never had to do this before. Before it didn’t matter; I mean, what use is great bone density when you’re dead?

I am happy, don’t get me wrong. I’m a million light years from where I was this time last year, & the miracle of that fact isn’t lost on me. Not for a single second do I forget how blessed I am, how faithful & gracious God is. Last year shattered everything; but it needed to. I know less now than I ever have. & yet the one thing I do know, is enough to cover everything I don’t.

“Delight yourself in the Lord, & He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). Sometimes the despair & the need are so great within me. I wonder how I can even get up under he weight of it all. But I am reminded of the one who made me, the one who knew every wish & longing of my heart before it was even formed, & there is peace. There has to be. Because if I can’t trust God with this, then….? Then nothing. There’s no if. I take comfort in the knowledge that God knows my desperation. He knows my need. He knows the beauty & the anguish of desire. But in His timing, not mine. Oh Lord you know my heart. You know every part of me. It’s so easy to put limits on God. To ponder the impossible & declare it so. But I know there’s not a true desire in my heart that God himself didn’t put there…Oh Lord grant me patience. I want my timing, but I trust yours. I have to.

I don’t know which way is up at the moment. Which, though disconcerting, isn’t necessarily an uncomfortable feeling. I feel like sometimes it’s good to have your foundations rattled; it’s good to see the sun filter in through last nights mascaraed-eyelashes & honestly have no clue who you are. How can you find yourself until you’ve been truly lost? It takes a lot less energy to let go than it ever did holding on. I don’t know much right now, only that He is good. All the time. & I don’t write that as some silly maxim or cliched throw-away; I write it as truth. & it is enough.

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