It’s been over six months since I last wrote in here. You know how some things are just too big for words? You try to scribble them down, but reading them back to yourself they sound feeble. Fragile somehow, when it’s not how you meant them. Which isn’t to say I haven’t been fragile – because I have been, extremely so. But that’s only part of this story. I’m not entirely sure on how to catch wewantedtheirwings up on the past six months, or even if its possible. & yet I want to try. Not all at once, but slowly, bit by bit.
There were blessings in 2010 that I could never have dreamed of. Like He told me many times during those long & painful months, I was being refined, like a fire refines & purifies gold. I know I’ve said this before, & I’m sure it sounds like either a pitiful exaggeration, or a theological impossibility. But, this is truth: I went to hell. Literal hell, where I was surrounded by weeping & the gnashing of teeth. The only part of it I don’t understand, is how Jesus was there with me. Hell, by it’s definition, is a separation from God – & yet He was there. & it broke my heart, because I guess I expected His presence to mean He was coming to rescue me, or at the very least that He would dull the pain. Neither happened. I suffered the full length & depth of hell. But I was not alone. Jesus did not leave my side. He would not take away my pain, but he would not let me suffer it alone. It was His constant presence that I clung to, despite the fact it offered such little relief.
I’m not going to pretend there was necessarily a happy ending. Because there wasn’t. I had never been more broken than I was during 2010. I had never been more hopeless or confused. The only thing I had left was my faith; faith that God is big, that He loves me, & that He will never forsake me. The thing with faith is you can’t test it with intelligence or logic. You can’t overwhelm it with facts or feelings. Faith is above all those things. It is what it is. & so I clung desperately to Jesus, even though nothing in my life or my circumstances showed that He was big, loving, or dependable. I clung to Jesus even though it felt like He’d walked out when I needed Him most, that He’d taken back every single one of His promises that bore my name. Faith was my lifeline, even when it made no sense. My life without faith would have been equal to my experience of hell but without Jesus: unbearable. I truly believe I would have died. I could no more give up my belief in God & His goodness than I could fly to the moon.
You know, I once thought that the proof something existed was in its ability to be put into words. Written or spoken didn’t matter, just that it could be described. But God is showing me that most things – even the most important things – don’t need description. Whereas once I processed via the mind, I am now learning to process via my heart. & yet it’s not the same heart it used to be; that fiery furnace of affliction ensured that too has changed. At times it’s disorienting, the change. But mostly I’m at peace. At peace because I’m no longer in control of my life, at peace because He is. Odd, I know, for a girl with control issues bigger than most small countries, but it’s true. There is so much freedom in surrender.
I’m just grateful I’m alive, grateful I came back, grateful I had enough people standing by me to hold me up even when my legs gave way & my spirit flailed. 2010 has been such an incredible journey & I wouldn’t wish it upon even my worst enemy. But it was the only way. If there was another path to this place, I would have found it. But there wasn’t. This was the only way. I will never be the same person I was twelve months ago, I will never wake up & see the world with the eyes of someone who has not seen hell. But I am learning. & I have such a patient Teacher.
The paradox that ran my life 